Not what you thought

This year we decided to create a memorable experience for Christmas. Traditionally, we get together with family, eat some food, and open presents. No family is coming into town and we are not visiting anyone for the holidays. The house is decorated and presents have been planned and purchased. Being Santa is one of the best jobs of a parent. But maybe it’s just because I love guile and deception. Either way it is fun.

There are surprises that you weren’t expecting and then there are surprises that you remember because of the extraordinary feeling/experience they caused. I come from a simple and basic existence. Not a lot to be had or done. My imagination was my best friend; and we played a lot. As a parent, I want more for my kids as I would assume is the goal of most people with children. It’s a fine line between giving them what they want and turning them into entitled and spoiled kids. Those are the kids that grow up and make difficult adults; old habits die hard.

Surprises are a way I like to dance on the line. You can satisfy a want or desire but with no expectation. Clearly this would not work in every scenario like going to the store or mall as usually you are there to buy something and kids know how to exploit opportunity. It’s like they can smell it and gives them drive. You think grocery shopping is difficult when hungry? Try doing it with a hungry child in tow; it complicates a simple shopping trip immensely.

Hope my two readers manage to enjoy the holiday season by whatever means suits them. And remember that being critical doesn’t mean that the other person is wrong but rather that you just wouldn’t do it that way and you enjoy noting the differences.

Life Is Beautiful

Recently watched My Sister’s Keeper. For those who haven’t seen it, I will not spoil it here. But from the previews, it is no secret that the storyline is about a family where one of the children has cancer. First, let me say that I thought all of the actors did a good job.

This movie affected me more than I expected it would have. It could be maybe that I’m just getting older, that I have a family of my own, or perhaps I’ve just gone soft. But regardless of the reason, the result was the same.

I get all worked up when my kids even get hurt or I even think about something tragic with them involved. But I can’t even imagine if any of it was real. I don’t know how I would handle it, but I know other parents do. I just hope I never have to face that situation and truly feel for those that do.

Not just another fat bird on the table

As the holiday of Thanks creeps up on me, I thought it only prudent to slow the pace of life just long enough to recognize what I’ve got.

I’m grateful for many things. I enjoy little things like q-tips, strike anywhere matches, wide-mouth soda cans, and free breath mints at restaurants. My life is made easier by combustion engineering, modern healthcare, democracy, supermarkets, and all things digital. I love music, art that stimulates my brain, organization, and free choice. Thankful for my job, freedom, a warm place to call home, the VW my wife bought 9 years ago, the right to make independent decisions. Lastly, the things that make my life worthwhile: knowledge of a loving God; my beautiful children, watching them enjoying life; my gorgeous wife, for knowing who I am but loving me anyway.

My life is held together by many little parts moving together for a common cause. I could live without some of those things and still get by (hey I survived the ‘90s with no internet or cell phones). But my family holds me together and gives meaning to my life. To them I give Thanks.

Adult Decisions in Little Minds

I was recently asked by my little girl what ‘pregnant’ was. I know that she knew the answer, but think that she was testing me. I told her the simplest answer I could think of, ‘it’s when you are going to have a baby’. This was followed by a barrage of questions like ‘where does the baby come out’, ‘is it hard to have a baby’, and ‘does it hurt’. I tried to do my best to satisfy her thirst for information while still maintaining the conversation on an upbeat note. But she is too smart for that. The next thing that came from her mouth was ‘I don’t want to ever have a baby’. The next few minutes were spent trying to reassure her that her decision is fine, but not to worry as she won’t have to make that choice for many, many years.

It’s funny how kids look at things; just as they are. From the little information they have on things, they formulate an opinion on whether or not they like it. But their opinions tend to be more pure than that of adults. They don’t have the life baggage to influence their decisions; they call it like it is. Having a baby involves growing something inside your tummy that eventually comes out of your privates with a lot of pain. Personally, I don’t blame her.

Normal, anyone? Or just another shade of messed up?

What kind of problems do I really have? I guess that is a rhetorical question. But then again it should be literal. No one is perfect and we all have issues. Some issues are easier to see than others but they are still there.

I come from a family where the mode de vida was to keep things in; stuff them deep down inside never to see the light of day. But there were always those choice moments when the inside got too full. The last thing to go in was usually not the biggest or most important, but once the top was off…everything came out; usually in a violent and dramatic manner. I have tried very hard to handle things differently. But it has not been easy.

My childhood family has experienced this first hand. For years, I played along like things were fine. But then I was removed from them, in the physical sense, for an extended period of time. That was it; there was no going back. When I was reintroduced into their daily lives, it was different. The little things bothered me. How could we be so dysfunctional and never talk about it or try to make it better? This was a question that haunted me and caused me to take an about face. To my family, this came as quite a shock. I no longer wanted to just ‘play family’ at dinners and gatherings. I stopped showing up to the manufactured get-togethers. The reception was not good. My mother even tried to up the stakes by creating situations to ‘test’ me. I did not pass; by her standards.

I guess it would have been easier for them had I gradually phased them into my new way of being. But how does one do that? How do you ease from one mindset to another? I think that is harder than just doing it; like a band-aid. Needless to say, things are more strained than before; with parents and siblings. It has now been several years since the switch. I think about trying to reconnect with them. I know that they will never change, but perhaps we can find a level on which to meet that doesn’t compromise anyone’s standards; even if only for family sake.

Another lesson learned while traveling

Life is hard for many reasons. These reasons seem to be independent of and synonymous with who we are. No one has it easy. It’s not difficult to observe the outward displays of life; accumulation of stuff, people, satisfaction, peace.

I ride a shuttle from where I park my car near the airport to the terminal. It’s my way of trying to control the madness I associate with the flying experience. Tonight there was no one else, just me. The drivers are usually young with a broken accent. This one was different; an older man showing the signs of age in his face, his hair bleached by the passing of time. Normally, I keep to myself; passing the short trip in silence. I ask how his day was.

This is his job; living off the tips from passengers. Sometimes a dollar to two a trip, his last one was 12 bucks. He took the opportunity to stop to pick up some cigarettes. He’s a 2 to 3 pack a day kind of guy. And he only likes the Basic brand without a filter that they only sell at the gas stations on 40th and 52nd. He recounts to me the days events; not enough for money for smokes that day he smoked his old butts at home, not enough change for a hamburger he had to only get fries for lunch.

I tipped him well tonight. Was it pity, probably so. With so much talk of oppression and victimization, this guy was my personal connection it all. Laid off, this was his last resort; so long to a golden retirement. At 15 to 20 bucks a day, his smoking habit has him by the balls. Until he kicks this addiction, he will most likely be toughing it out many days. I thank God that I have a job and a family that I love. So if I think that my day is going rough, it probably is; everything is relative.

Memories Betray

Parents misguided
Now the children all divided
Fabrication of reality was all that I knew
The sky was blue, sun was hot, Love was real
All lies

The walls came down, the roof fell in
My little heart died, time to be a man
Gone the sun, the fun, blue skies, and Love
My world on fire, me with no hose

The burns were bad, deep, and severe
Scars concealed by clothing and time
Never to heal or fade away
Hidden from the world, who shares no one’s pain
Only one who is close could know the truth

As I try to move on with Love of my own
The marks hold me back and get in the way
Hurting those who I care for
Those I swore to protect

Wish I could find a magical balm
To rid me of wounds that I carry inside
Broken promises, shattered dreams, meaningless Love

The Legacy of a Scientist

I just finished reading The LAST LECTURE by Randy Pausch. My wife introduced me to this book; I’m glad. If you haven’t read it, it is about a man who is diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. He is an established scientist and professor in the discipline of virtual reality. He is married with three small kids. When he was diagnosed, he was given very little time left to live. This book is a documentary of several little stories that he compiled with the assistance of a talented writer. His ‘last lecture’ at Carnegie Mellon was to serve as a farewell to students, friends, and colleagues as well as a discussion to his kids. He knew that he would never have the opportunity to raise his kids, so he wanted to leave them something so that they would know what kind of a father he was.

Even though the subject of death is throughout the book, it is not depressing. It is filled with tidbits of wisdom that could serve to make life more enriching. He makes me want to be a better husband; a better father. Randy died July 25th, 2008. If you need a sobering yet uplifting book, check this one out. Below I have added the video should you wish to watch the video of the last lecture. You will want to pause the music player at the bottom of the page before viewing.

Appreciate...Emulate...Fascinate...Designate Your Love as Fate

So with everything that happened over Thanksgiving weekend I didn’t take a minute to declare my gratitude. I love my children. They frustrate me at times; but similar to what you may have heard it is worth it. To see their beautiful little faces running up to me when I get home from work, or their big smiles when playing games is enough of a payback. I may take that back when they get older, but for now…they are perfect.

I enjoy efficiency and convenience; the things that make my life easier: modern transportation, the huge array of electronics that fill our houses, progressive science. I am also thankful for the beautiful things in life; whether it is music, art, movies, poetry and prose, or nature. But all of these things loose their attraction without my best friend, lover, and companion to share them with.

My wife is the center of my support system. We have been married for a little over eight years now. I have to come to know her better over time; she is truly genuine and sincere. I awe at her ability to mind the kids day-in and day-out; often times with no break or help from me as I traveled for business. I have become even more aware of her value to me and her importance in my life. I love her dearly; wish to share our pain and laughter. And did I mention that she is gorgeous? The gods have been kind to me.