What kind of problems do I really have? I guess that is a rhetorical question. But then again it should be literal. No one is perfect and we all have issues. Some issues are easier to see than others but they are still there.
I come from a family where the mode de vida was to keep things in; stuff them deep down inside never to see the light of day. But there were always those choice moments when the inside got too full. The last thing to go in was usually not the biggest or most important, but once the top was off…everything came out; usually in a violent and dramatic manner. I have tried very hard to handle things differently. But it has not been easy.
My childhood family has experienced this first hand. For years, I played along like things were fine. But then I was removed from them, in the physical sense, for an extended period of time. That was it; there was no going back. When I was reintroduced into their daily lives, it was different. The little things bothered me. How could we be so dysfunctional and never talk about it or try to make it better? This was a question that haunted me and caused me to take an about face. To my family, this came as quite a shock. I no longer wanted to just ‘play family’ at dinners and gatherings. I stopped showing up to the manufactured get-togethers. The reception was not good. My mother even tried to up the stakes by creating situations to ‘test’ me. I did not pass; by her standards.
I guess it would have been easier for them had I gradually phased them into my new way of being. But how does one do that? How do you ease from one mindset to another? I think that is harder than just doing it; like a band-aid. Needless to say, things are more strained than before; with parents and siblings. It has now been several years since the switch. I think about trying to reconnect with them. I know that they will never change, but perhaps we can find a level on which to meet that doesn’t compromise anyone’s standards; even if only for family sake.