I do not deal with emotion very well. It feels as if my strongest emotional response comes from trying to conceal my own feelings. Instilled as a young child, the 'men don't cry' mantra is still very alive inside me. Experiences in my life have helped me approach a median but still I fear. Anxiety threatens to take over when my emotional response is set off. I crave control because I think that control promotes safety and protection. I have become the tyrant over my own emotions. Emotional detachment has become a coping mechanism to prevent the pain of loss and abandonment.
Recently, someone close to me passed away. Perhaps odd to others but normal to me, I do not miss their presence. I cherish the memories that I have and nothing more. Thought I was strong, could handle the process. Anxiety and emotions in check. Then I see the widow of the deceased. Content, peace, and love is what I saw. At the same time, my composure was gone. Not detached but still in control was she. The feelings of shame and embarrassment did not come this time. I continue to progress, aware of my weaknesses. Franklin was right, death and taxes.