In the ocean of eveyone else

Ever find yourself in a public place, loaded with people, and not fell a part of it? Surrounded by men, women, seniors, and kids but still separate. Society is funny that way. Analysts, politicians, and even laymen describe it as a complex fabric that holds us all together. I imagine an expansive cloth without seams; composed of an array of colors, textures, and workmanship. Everyone you see or meet somehow ‘fits in’ to different groups. The list of said groups may be long or short, but no two people have the same catalog of groupings.

I sit in the boarding area of gate A19 in a busy terminal of a large international airport. I refrain from reading a book I have with me nor do I choose to drown my surroundings in the sweet bliss of my mp3 player. Left to observe my environment, I take my responsibility seriously.

Is it possible that so many people exist? During my brief observation, I possibly see several hundred individuals; none the same as the next. To be sure there are physical or other visual characteristics that many share. It is not difficult to group the masses in this way. But a closer look reveals individual people. Truly, aside from the small portion of the general population that suffered a genetic mishap, no two people are exactly alike.

Perhaps it’s not profound, but it is staggering to contemplate. Of the billions of people that live or have lived, we are each unique. I fell that this should somehow comfort me to know that all are different; and that not ‘belonging’ is okay and even normal. But it does not. If you dissect my life, it is not difficult to identify the groups with whom I should associate.

I attempt to integrate. It is not my nature. I draw my strength from others and yet often find myself at a loss to create social situations. I have been told that I work/live in ‘phases’. I latch on to something (i.e. hobby, interests, subject matter, idea) and submerse myself in it. My free time is spent Google searching more data; much of it repetitive and not directly useful. The desire to know more, to find something new becomes intoxicating. My mind races when I think of the ‘phase’ and often reflects back upon it throughout the day; until sooner or later I am done; usually just prior to throwing myself from the cliff over a chasm of obsession. And then it begins again with a new stimulus and a new search.

I do learn things from each ‘phase’, but am never satisfied. It is never enough. I think that I am doing all that I can to assimilate into that group. But when it is over, I have no new friends, no lasting affiliation to a new group. I am alone and still looking.

I am fortunate to have a soul supporter in my life companion. She balances me, provides me with energy and love. But I know the burden I encumber her with is not easy and even hindering at times. I wish for her to be strong, independent, and confident. In my eyes, she is all this and more. I love for her happiness and that of our children.

So, as I sit in the airport terminal. I envy those around me with their connections and networks. And I wonder if others feel the same.

Pieces of Flair

Do you know who you are and do you let others know it? That is the question of the day; a big one, I know. I like to think that I do an okay job of letting people know who I am and what it is that I believe in/stand for. There is a lot of pressure to play the B.S. game of ‘putting on a good show’ so that everyone thinks you are ‘normal’ or at least working with the flow instead of against it. Most people that ‘know me’ are either members of a close network of friends or the readers of this blog, as I bare it all here. However in person I am just not willing to put myself out there, in the proverbial sense, to just anyone; I withhold. My problem and another post.

Life is full of little circles. You live in one, work in another, and exist within an expansive set of them. For me some of my circles are as follows: husband, father, employee, man, citizen, pro-choicer, environmentalist, lover, conserver, Mormon, recycler, voter, motorcyclist, pacifist, and believer. Each of us has our own complex set that we operate within. At some point, or perhaps multiple points, we establish priorities; even changing some of the circles we call ours; further evidence that we are not static but dynamic individuals functioning together in the complex network of society.

I am reminded of a scene in the film Office Space. The character Joanna, played by Jennifer Aniston, works as a waitress at the popular chain restaurant Chotchkie’s (a parody of T.G.I. Fridays). If you have been to Fridays, then you know of the obnoxious buttons that the employees cover themselves with; I’m not a fan. But anyway, Joanna is told by her boss that she must wear a minimum of 15 pieces of flair (buttons) on her uniform. She wears 15. But her boss believes that she should self-express with more pieces like that of a coworker who dons 37 pieces of flair. She is pushed to the point of resorting to a universal piece of flair…’the bird’. I wish it were that easy sometimes. But then again, Joanna was fired after that. It takes guts to buck the system. For the rest of us, have as many pieces of flair as you want, but no one says that you have to show them to anyone. Individuality is a virtue not a vice.