Check Mate

I do not deal with emotion very well. It feels as if my strongest emotional response comes from trying to conceal my own feelings. Instilled as a young child, the 'men don't cry' mantra is still very alive inside me. Experiences in my life have helped me approach a median but still I fear. Anxiety threatens to take over when my emotional response is set off. I crave control because I think that control promotes safety and protection. I have become the tyrant over my own emotions. Emotional detachment has become a coping mechanism to prevent the pain of loss and abandonment.

Recently, someone close to me passed away. Perhaps odd to others but normal to me, I do not miss their presence. I cherish the memories that I have and nothing more. Thought I was strong, could handle the process. Anxiety and emotions in check. Then I see the widow of the deceased. Content, peace, and love is what I saw. At the same time, my composure was gone. Not detached but still in control was she. The feelings of shame and embarrassment did not come this time. I continue to progress, aware of my weaknesses. Franklin was right, death and taxes.

I am a Thistle Sifter

Finally saw The King’s Speech this last weekend. Let me preface this by saying that I thought it was very well done. I appreciated the period-ness of the film, i.e., costumes, dialect, historical reference.

One of the first scenes is Colin Firth, portraying historically important King George VI, giving his first public speech that was broadcast over the radio. He struggles, stops, and can’t seem to get through his written comments. The movie culminates with the King giving his first wartime speech and some may say that is the basis for the film’s title. But I feel that the ‘speech’ is referring to his manner of speaking rather than one particular occasion.

Speech issues are lifelong struggles. I had a stuttering problem as a child. I was fortunate to have worked through most of it. I still feel the urges of it come on, especially when I have to make presentations to groups (happens rather often with the job I have right now). I always get nervous thinking what would happen if I did freeze up and couldn’t get past a word. Hasn’t happened yet, but I remain anxious. If only I could spout off a string of profanities to get me past those feelings then I wouldn’t have to worry any more. Something tells me that if that happened I would have more to worry about then my stopping mid-speech.

I almost can’t believe that for nearly 3 years I have owned a piece of American muscle, a Harley Davidson motorcycle. It’s no secret; it was a big deal when I got it. I probably rode it 50% to 75% of the time when I drove to work. It was fun, got great gas mileage, and allowed me to use the carpool lane on the freeway. I’m that guy rolling down the street wearing the technical jacket, full-face helmet, boots, and gloves. I would classify my driving style as ‘active lane management’. I’m a very defensive driver but at the same time not afraid to make decisions to get me into the lane of least resistance. It may not make total sense but it works for me.

So last April, the car that I was trading off with died. It was a wonderful old VW Jetta that we’d had for a long time; sad moment. I decided to take the plunge and become a hard core biker, relying on my bike 100% to get me to work. I’m happy to report that a year later I am still in one piece. Close calls were actually extremely limited; I credit ‘active lane management’ haha. Weather in the desert is optimal for this. I think I was sprinkled on twice, even though it was windy several days. Would I do it again? Yes, I still am. One day I should get another car but for now it’s just too hard to rationalize knowing that I can do without it.

Riding a motorcycle has been a longtime desire of mine. And I don’t regret one bit getting one. Of course, I have to throw a big “thanks” out to my wife who agreed to the whole arrangement. And I’ve tried to respect her trust here; no burn-outs, no wheelies, no red light racing. It’s been good to me. Some people have told me that I need a name, but I’m not set on anything. I’m open to suggestions if anyone has a good one. Liberator was recommended by a neighbor; not sure about that one. Anyway, as they say “Ride to Live, Live to Ride.”

Time for a drink

So, it’s been a while. Did you miss me? Yes, I missed me. Sometimes it feels like that. It’s amazing how you can be a part of something and yet still feel apart from everything. I guess that’s the benefit of ‘society’; a group with commonalities that is made up of self-interested individuals. I’m not the kind of person who seeks or even accepts pity from others. I like to think that I have a decent grasp on things.

People love to group other people together to help them predict what they think and do; it must be left over from elementary school when we have to separate the apples from the oranges to add up how many there are of each. Does no one care how many pieces of fruit there are together? Anyway, I love the question “Do you see the glass half-full or half-empty?” Obviously, the questioner is trying to place you into either a pessimist or optimist bucket based on if you see life as lacking its full potential or as a satisfying experience regardless of the situation. My response to this question is simple. Can no one see that we are talking about half here? Does it really matter if it’s ‘full’ or ‘empty’? I see the fullness of the glass as an accomplishment for what has been obtained but the emptiness as the reality that there could always be more. The real difference in the views, in my opinion, is whether or not you want to do what’s required to make the glass fuller or are you okay with drinking what you have. For me, I guess it depends on how thirsty I am that day.

Is it time?

So, the desert is...hot and dry. But right now it's cold and dry. Yeah, not very interesting. But I did just find out that our lovely city was originally called Pumpkinville. Can you imagine the 5th largest metropolitan area in the U.S. as Pumpkinville? I like it better already.

Wii for Christmas. It's pretty awesome. I used to be big into Nintendo back when it was the NES and SNES but then got out of it when later systems came out. But at least with these games I don't feel like a total loser. I tried playing Madden football with a buddy a while ago. He killed me! I think it was part the controller (too many buttons) and part that he just wanted somebody to waste in football. But I'm not offended; I would have done the same.

So immigration...I'm not going to say much about it; specifically the illegal type. It's just a problem, one that we've ignored for way too long. I don't know what the 'fix' is but some decision needs to be made about it. Arizona is a prime example of what will continue to happen if no official federal stance is taken; require everyone to be able to prove their citizenship and soon to propose legislation to nullify the 14th Amendment's naturalization powers. Couple this with laws allowing people who own guns to both carry them in sight and concealed without special permits is just asking for trouble. Tensions are high on both sides. We need action, and McCain isn't getting it done. So, write you senators. And while you're at it, ask them to repeal the federal pay freeze. No, I'm lucky to have a job. But...seriously.

It's a bird, it's a plane...no really it's a plane!

So there I am, driving down the highway with nothing between me and the pavement but two small wheels and a fire breathing V-twin. I think to myself, this is what's about; no civilization in sight, just blazing down the open road. There's desert to my left and desert to my...no, no there isn't. There are cotton fields. As far as I can see there are cotton fields. Strange thing to see in the desert.

Out of the corner of my eye I see something flying. At first it looks like a circling hawk or other large bird. Quickly, I realize that it's not a bird but a plane. Cool. I think; that would be fun to do. Time seems to slow to a crawl as I am mesmerized by the plane's graceful movement through the sky; slowly turning right and then left. The plane looks awfully low. I snap out of my daze to realize that the plane is less than 100 feet off the ground, looks like smoking, and headed right toward me on the highway. For just a minute, I thought this was it; hit by a plane. At what seemed like the last minute, he banked to his left, came even lower, and a large cloud erupted from behind him. He was dusting the cotton fields. Ha-ha, false alarm. I guess this is what I get for not growing up an agricultural area. But I won't soon forget the day I almost died at the hands of a plane; or wings rather.

At the gates of...tomorrow?

When it's been a long day; no, a real f-ed up day,

It is the best feeling to know that it's not the end

Nope, the sun will rise the next day; life's not over

It may seem like things could not go worse

Like nothing else could go wrong

But it can, and probably will; just wait

But for now, I come home to the best person I know

The one that I want to share with

End my shizzy day with; and start tomorrow with

I may be a crappy best friend sometimes

But I am grateful that she is patient and tolerant

Even though the road may be rough, we can't be stopped

After all, that's why they made 4-wheel drive.